Another Bent Pig

"It's your turn this month old chap" .... Yellow was delighted, he'd had a bad
time over the summer with only the occasional outing to stretch his shockers. "It's
Stacksteads and it's a comp." Yellow's face dropped. Was he really being expected to go out and race about with those silly new fangled coily things again? Bother! . Time to find the book of naughty tricks again!

"Let's just seize that Master cylinder," he muttered, "and how about a nice little oil leak . . .or a couple of flat tyres ..." What a PIG!!

It took a lot of "persuasion" to get the master cylinder sorted. (Have you ever
seen where an 80" master cylinder lives?). But sorted it was and Old Yellow rattled reluctantly on to the trailer.

"I want a new hood" he demanded defiantly.

"What he really needs is a good dose of the hammer," came the retort from
.Flying Pig, who was being left behind for the day.

And it came to pass that at this event there was a tall missionary from the distant
land of Yorkie. "Let me look at your roll bar," he preached, "and ye shall be saved
from the RAC Bad Book of Naughty Landrovers."

And lo, many came and were saved. But a few others had erred from the path
of righteousness and had failed to put inspection holes in their roll bars and were
duly cast unto the lions.

Wellies on and trudge round in the mud. Up the big hill, across the swamp, down
the death slide, round the walled city, up the greasy pole, through the Red Sea,
interesting stuff! Then pretty easy on good tracks until the end ... I wonder how
it drives?

On the line ... 5 - 4 -3 - 2 - 1 from Almond's lad and off we go ... Oh dear, it
won't pull second up the first hill. . . CRUNCH! but it pulls first and away we go across the flat bit before the swamp. No sweat, in fact the first run was too easy 'cos the .ground had not had time to get cut up as it did later in the day following the thunderstorms.

Yellow was chuffed to bits when he passed another motor on the second run.
"I'll show these youngsters," he puffed as run three began.

Spoken too soon, unfortunately ...

If there's one thing about Yellow, he is always reliable. A bit slow and noisy,
often cantankerous, but reliable. Anyway, run three, up the greasy pole (You'll know which bit that was if you were there, and if you weren't there you should have been!).
After the downpour many motors were failing to get up it, so the plan was to nip into low box just at the bottom and back into high in the gulley after. The first bit went OK, but at the top of the pole a large boulder (I thought you had moved them all Phil!) jumped out and violently attacked Yellow's underbelly. Now Yellow is a tough old Pig and he just grunted a bit and plodded on, a few yards after the red mud bath (previously the Red Sea) and Yellow seemed to have found another 25 horses. Wow! did that engine rev some!

Pass a couple of dead motors, broadside round the next corner (That's a first
for Yellow!) and up to the bumpy bit before the Valley of Death.

Turn left please . . . TURN LEFT YOU SILLY PIG! NOW! Yellow is too carried
away with his new revs to take any notice and failed to take account of the approaching ditch. SPLAT . . . !!

Engage backwards ... get them new revs going . . . lots of mud splatting but
no movement. Low box and floor it! Out at last. . . Damm!, that's a minute lost. Get
them new revs going again . . .

"What's that motor doing in the river?" panicked Yellow.
"Keep your eyes on the road. There's room to get past."

Yellow honked his horn and tried to scuttle past. Suddenly the dead motor came
to life and jumped out at Yellow just as he was passing. There was a terrible tearing of metal. Yellow screamed as his back end was torn to pieces by this crazed lunatic.
But there was only one thing an old soldier could do under the circumstances, and
Yellow bravely limped home to finish the run with mud pouring from the gaping wounds to his rear end.

What a tough old pig! But what a CRAZY DEAF LUNATIC!

Time for a pitstop. Borrow some large surgical instruments from the nice Yorkie missionary (e.g. 14lb hammer!). . . Some 45 minutes later Yellow was ready for the next run. Heavily anaesthetised he staggered on to the line for the penultimate time . ..

It was towards the end of the run at virtually the last corner when the penny finally dropped . . . only the back wheels were working . . . 2-wheel drive only. Hence the extra revs. Back to the pits! Amazingly enough Yellow's lap time for the run was the fastest he had managed so far. Wonder what that says about the merits of 4-wheel drive?

Actually, a large chunk of rock had wedged itself on the linkage at the front of
the front output housing, jamming the 4-wheel drive off. Soon mended.

Yellow went on to finish his runs despite severe injury, and dragged himself
painfully on to the trailer at the end of the day for the trip home.

In closing, Yellow has asked me to pass on a few messages (probably
controversial) to the committee:

1. All competitors must be given a hearing test prior to a comp.

2. All competitors must be fitted with rear view mirror.

3. There's been enough talk and about motors complying with ever-increasing
amounts of regs, but no account is ever taken of a driver's ability to compete safely.
Pay your £5 for a piece of paper from the RAC and off you go racing, even if you
have never driven an off-roader before. It's not just Yellow who bears the scars of such comings together, at least six other motors have muttered similarly over the last year or so. Stamp it out before you loose valuable and experienced members to another club!

"The Pigmaster"

 Back to List